Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Lunch, Grief and Time Together

I had not met with Nancy since her daughter's visitation almost year ago.  I have followed her postings, and thoughts on Facebook, but today was the first time that it was just the two of us. After setting the meeting, I was wondering if there really would be things for us to talk about. Would she cry? Would I cry? Would Nancy want to talk about her daughter? How would she feel if I'd ask her some questions?

Neither one of us cried; we came close to it but smiling won today.  We talked about how do you ever get over a child's death (in this case teenage daughter). How do parents deal with the grief? What about the siblings?  Nancy also shared something that really stuck with me. She said that when people would say "just let me know and I will do anything," her response would be: "take me to lunch." Nancy said that usually she would not hear from them again.  WHY??? Are we  as human beings so unprepared to deal with death and grief that we will offer money and empty words, but do nothing that would actually require an effort?

I have never lost a child. I don't know how that feels. I have lost many loved ones and I am familiar with grief. Can I share another person' grief without making everything be about me and how I would feel? Absolutely! I can listen. I can share stories that I remember about her daughter. I can share how differently I responded when my parents died to when my husband died. I can share how my mother-in-law responded when her son died. We can talk about everyday "stuff:" our children's lives, living situations, girl and boyfriends, future plans etc. And we can enjoy good food and time together!

Why did I even worry about my words? I was going to meet a friend! I came home blessed because I had spent time with a friend!

20 comments:

  1. I'm sure she enjoyed your company and conversation too. Grief is different to each person, sometimes that can create an awkward moment, but true friendship always shines through.

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    1. Friendships really are life's little treasures!

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  2. I don't think there are any words that would lessen the grief. Just being present may help. You are a good friend - you listen.

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    1. Terje, I am learning to listen to more. I think it will be a life long lesson.

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  3. It was so wonderful that you two lunched together. Sad to hear that people can't meet Nancy and really support her. I love reading about these Slicer meet ups.

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  4. So interesting, the way people react. I can totally see the comfort of lunch....I love lunching with people, I feel you can talk more and connect more than you can at dinner. And it's in the middle of the day, when you can take as long as you like to sit, eat, chat, watch people pass by. Lunch is a lovely thing, and I hope your friend has more friends like you!

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    1. It really was a wonderful time to reconnect.

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  5. I love Nancy's lunch idea and your open, listening heart. Such care here.

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    1. There are times in each of our lives when we need a little special care.

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  6. From the way you wrote this, it seems you give just the kind of comfort she needs: time together, shared stories, and kind words. Grief is such a deep thing that it's easy to be afraid to dive in... thank you for sharing this to show the perfect response!

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    1. Grief happens at the most unexpected times, but you also come out of it in time. It helps to have friends who walk along with you.

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  7. Your friend, Nancy, is probably quite happy to have spent some time with you. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for your friend right now. Imagine if all of those friends would have taken the time for lunch. Could every friend have lifted a little heaviness from Nancy's shoulders? Hard days are somehow a little easier with friends.

    Cathy

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    1. So true Cathy! Friends played a huge role in my life when going through my own grief.

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  8. Wow! Powerful post Jaana! Dealing with loss is hard, period. It hard on the people who lost a loved one and those who want to support them. But you make a good point that people talk a good game but rarely take real action. Thanks for being a person taking action (and writing about) to hep smiling win the day!

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  9. Thank you for taking the time to share the model of a true friend. Your friend really needed someone and you were there for her. You are a blessing to her and the world because you care.

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  10. I loved this from start to finish. Thanks for sharing! I loved how you shared your questioning thoughts at the beginning,how the lunch went, the things you discovered about listening, sharing, and just enjoying time together. The ending was so joyful!

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    1. Sharing your soul with a friend is not always easy, but it is always rewarding.

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